What Have I Done?

Current Mood: Confused & Afraid

OH MY GOD

I just found some of my pills on the floor.

And this morning I found some others just laying on the nightstand.

Did I forget to take them?

Did I take them already?

If I take them now will I be taking too much?

Am I compromising my treatment?

How can I not know something so important?

But, I even set my alarm twice a day to remind me to take them!

Even then, sometimes right after, I can't remember if I swallowed them or not!

How am I going to get better if I don't take my pills in proper doses?

How am I going to get better?

How am I....AM I ever going to  be better?

Am I ever going to be just me- again?

I am so afraid.

So afraid.

That I will never like myself again.

Anjd it's time to take my pills again.

Or is it?

Are those the pills I just found?

Fair Weather Friend

Curret Mood: Betrayed

U were a "best" friend as long as u were "the" friend.

Then came to me "another" friend,
and u became a "former" friend.

What the HELL kind of "friend" is that?

You think I only want you in my life when "no one" else is?

Buddy, I don't know what kind of "friends" u normally have - but, I don't go away that easily.

So until u return- as my "forever" friend,

I"ll hit the "like" button on your posts,

even comment once in awhile.

At least you'll know,
"your" friend
Is still here
and "always" was...

*Dedicated to CMcK. I miss you - my friend

Current Mood:  Regressed


To most people
Their body is a temple
But mine is a dungeon

These days

Where a dragon dwells

Some days it rests
Doesn't bother me at all
Others, it rages an inferno
Inside me

On those days
It steals my breath
So I can't catch it

Knocks it's head against mine
Builds up the heat
Until it drips out of me

I laugh at the fear of it
Cry at the knowledge of it

Both within the same second
Neither one planned
Neither one welcomed

Crocodile tears
Turn into dragon fears

The dragon slayer

I have become
Is away today

Today is one of those days
But tomorrow is a new

Fear me
You beast

My Job Is a Pain

Current Mood: Sick

You go on now I say

You have a hard day ahead

Get the kids up

Get them their breakfast fed

You've got laundry to start
You've got dishs to do

The dogs chasing the cat
The car alarms going off too

He can't find the remote

He can't silence the sound

You need to do it yourself

You know you're hellbound

Now the lunchs are packed
Now what's the dinner plan

Who has practice or a game

Who has to be their biggest fan

You know you are
You work according to plan

Once home after work
Once your real job begins

Everyone's bathed and in bed

Everyone's tucked in up to their chins

I have it easy you think

I have it the same every day

The alarm sounds at seven

The work starts as I pray

Not any breakfast for me

Not food only pills

I wipe the sweat from my face

I shrug off the cold chills

As I touch my nose

As I feel the pain

I remember the sores

I remember the bloodstain

To rub the sleep from my eyes

To rid the clouds as they be

Reminds me of sores on my eyes

Reminds me the reason it's hard to see

Go to brush my teeth

Go to groom my hair

More sores on my tongue

More hair loss to bare

It's been an hour half

It's been typical so far

I feel short of breath

I feel I've been hit by a car

Not the ice I chew

Not the food I eat

Nothing tastes good

Nothing but spicy or sweet

My lips crack

My skin itches so bad

I'm bruised from the scratching

I'm looking really sad

There again sounds the alarm

There it's time again too

Toss back pills in me more

Toss back feelings of blue

Or mad and tearful

Or morbid and crazy

I can't remember a thing

I feel nothing but hazy

My hands are numb

My fingers peck to type

All I do is laugh or cry

All to avoid the real gripe

The things that I think

The things in my head

Are caused by the medicine

Are to keep me alive not dead

I forgot what today is

I forgot what's in store

An injection more powerful

An inch in to my skin more

I fought the demons

I fought the tears

And laughed in hysteria

And denied my fears

Now to bed I do go

Now say good night to the day

To wake in a few hours

To another day the same way

When it Stirs

Curren Mood: Awake and in Pain  

     

So here I am, sitting

Alone in the dark again

What a perfect screwed-up metaphor

I'm so tired of this

I know I have reason to feel this pain but

But I want to stop it now

It's nights like this when

I don't want to hear solutions

And my dreams just tease me

With promises of a better tomorrow

That isn't today yet

And patience isn't one of my virtues

What, you mean this isn't normal for me?

Either I'm damn good at hiding this or

I spend a lot more time than I like to think

Lost in my head

Angst may be fashionable these days, but

I'd much rather be a happy

My fear is a small green creature

Coiled in my gut

Cold enough to ache

When it stirs

It bares its teeth

And reminds me how easily

It can turn to pain
 
It's the dragon
 
 

Locked

Current Mood:  Changed

do you know

what it feels like

when your mind

feels like an empty room

behind a locked door

and the lock has changed

Paper Boats

Current Mood: Sunken

is sailing away

on a paper boat

that is taking on water

Another dragon slayed...

Current Mood:  Lost



i'm going to live today like it was yesterday
because yesterday i survived

Walk With Me

Current Mood:  Worried  

I don't always know how to tell you

and I'm not sure how to let you know,

when I'm worried or wondering

about wheather our relationship

is okay,

or wheather you're as

happy as you want to be.

I want you to know

that I don't always have things

figured out;

that I need your help

sometimes, and your

reassurance.

And sometimes - I need

just to have you hold me,

to let me know it's okay

and we'll make it together

through the hard times -

appreciating all the good times.

Hand in hand.

Love in love.

My Only Dream

Current Mood:  Angry

Should I choose a pattern in pink -

or blue.

Or play it safe -

and decorate in Winnie the Pooh.

I really think the walls -

would be cute with little bears.

Who am I talking to -

no one else cares.

Twenty-five weeks have gone by -

at least eleven more to go.

It seems so real now -

now that I'm starting to show.

It was then, that it began -

I began to have that pain.

Like before with my twins -

yes, just the same.

At the hospital I was asked -

who should they call?

Then my reality hit me -

and tears began to fall.

I lay there that night -

alone in that room.

And knew if you came now -

it would be way too soon.

My hands rubbed my belly -

in a circular motion.

And then there I felt -

a sort of bubbling sensation.

I smiled and then laughed -

and quickly looked around

But someone to tell -

not anyone could be found.

They let me go home then -

I had much I needed to do.

And from that point on -

all I thought about was you.

Bigger and bigger each day -

inside me you grew.

How I would handle this

God only knew.

New parents were invited -

on a hospital tour.

And I knew there'd be couples -

but I'd expected them fewer.

I stood alone in the line -

as they stood hand in hand.

The lonliness that was dwelling inside me -

became too much to withstand.

I ran from the room -

and down six flights of stairs.

And found myself in another -

with nothing but chairs.

There was no one there -

it was quiet and empty.

No one to hold me or help me -

only, just me.

Due in two months more-

all this time home on bed rest.

Not allowed to walk, to go outside -

to even the weather, to test.

Childbirth classes I'll take -

from watching a video.

Because my husband is gone -

so, even if I could go.

One month early -

I could hold off no more.

As I reached for the phone -

I then fell to the floor.

I screamed in fear and in pain -

again and again, the same.

But no matter the screams how loud -

still, no one came.

At the hospital, just twenty minutes later -

alive, I made it there.

No one to share my joy with -

no one to wipe my tears.

When you were finally placed in my arms -

I asked, isn't she pretty?

As I looked up and I saw -

there was no one to see.

I had no one to rub me -

to feel your kicks.

No one to hold my head -

when I felt sick.

No one to help me practice -

to push or to breathe

no one to trust or rely on -

or in me, to believe.

The most wonderful thing -

to ever happen to me.

And I had done it alone -

that just shouldn't be.

Every since I myself was small -

this was my only dream.

someone to share this with -

was expecting too much, it did seem.

It's not fair that I had to -

miss out on it all.

Was asking for this chance -

really a request too tall.

Not allowed to share -

this natural dream with someone.

Meant giving up my only dream -

again, having to sucumb.

Originally written on April 20, 1997

Current Mood:  Happy

Squeeze my hand,

hug me tight,

Reach out and touch me,

so I'll know it's alright.

Run your fingers,

through my hair.

Whisper softly,

that you care.

Keep that special smile,

just for me.

Say that here is,

where you want to be.

And in my heart,

I'll have a spot.

Especially for you,

because you're loved a lot.

Brownies at Midnight

Current Mood:  Bored

You've asked how I like living back at home;

I realized I never liked living on my own.

I thought I'd be sad,

But really I'm not.

Would you like another brownie?

I baked a lot.

One bonus that I find especially fine;

The mind thats gone crazy here,

isn't necessarily mine.

I can still read a good book until dawns early light.

or make popcorn at any old hour of the night.

This loss of independence,

has made me stronger!

Please, can't you stay,

just a little bit longer?

Tiny Fingers, Tiny Toes, Tiny Hand and Tiny Nose

Current Mood:   Nostalgic 

As you took your very first breathe of life those tiny fingers reached for the sky.

The first time the nurse gently handed you to me, you cried - and it was music to my ears.

At three in the morning you bawled to have me near, and I stomped madly to your door.

I saw your tiny mouth and tiny ears, and melted with love, and was mad no more.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I smiled from ear to ear as my pride showed - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of you grows and grows.

Your four wheel stroller went to three.

Your three wheel trike went to two.

Your tiny fingers still grew and grew.

And before I knew we were back to four, and you were driving a car.

I don't bend down to hug you now, those once tiny fingers are small no more.

I'm doing my best to teach you life, soon your bags will be packed and out the door.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I smile from ear to ear as my pride shows - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of you still grows and grows.

Those tiny fingers have been my delight.

And I've tried my best to show them wrong from right.

Now those tiny fingers are near full grown.

And someday you'll be having tiny fingers all your own.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I'll smile from ear to ear as my pride shows - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of them grows and grows.

Man Mold

Current Mood:  Loved

If I could take a handful of clay

 and make for myself the man of my dreams,

I'd work, mold and shape all day

 so not a thread could be found in the seams.

I would blow the essence of life

 into each breath-taking lung,

I'd give him the looks of a god

and he would outshine the rising sun.

He would have long and flowing hair

 that would glisten like a rainbow,

And everyone would have to stop and stare

amazed at the source of the glow.

I'd use diamonds for his eyes

that would sparkle only for me,

And you'd probably find it no surprise

he'd be quite the specimen to see.

His lips would be made of precious silk

that would be the best I could possibly find,

When I kised them they'd be soft and sweet

like honey-drenched marshmellows and chocolate combined.

I would make his skin so soft to touch

 and gentle as a warm nights breeze,

And when it came to his wants

 he'd not be difficult to please.

His heart would be made of solid gold

I could never use copper or brass,

And when he walked across the room

 It'd appear as if he was gliding on glass.

Even if I could mold this clay just right

and did the very best I could do,

I could work so hard day and night

and never make a man as perfect as you.

You could offer me pearls, silver, and priceless treasures

 and give me land from shore to shore,

But the riches in your eyes are without measure

I could live the rest of my days, never wanting more.

Roll the Stone Away

Current Mood:  Thankful

Can there be a greater love
Then the love our Father had

He died
For me, for us

I've been up all night again
Crying all night again

Trying to let go
Setting things free

The thoughts of bunnies are gone now
Now the bunnies make me laugh

Now, I've cried all night
Visualizing the real meaning of Easter

I am a sinner
And God has forgiven me

He is the only one
That knows the true extent of my sins

And I am forgiven
Again and again

I know that He suffered
For me

So that I would not have to
Suffer myself

Why then
Dear Lord

Can I not forgive
Myself

He did not die for me
To be sad

He did not die for me
To expect me to keep punishing myself

He has freed me
It's time I free myself



Originally written Easter Sunday 2010

I Wish to Live in You

Current Mood:  Burdend

Behold me, my beloved Jesus, weighed down under the burden of my trials and sufferings, I cast myself at Your feet, that You may renew my strength and my courage, while I rest here in Your presence.


Permit me to lay down my cross in Your Sacred Heart, for only Your infinite goodness can sustain me; only Your love can help me bear my cross; only Your powerful hand can lighten its weight.

O Divine King, Jesus, whose heart is so compassionate to the afflicted, I wish to live in You; suffer and die in You.

During my life, be to me my mode,l and my support; at the hour of my death, be my hope and my refuge.

My Head is Currently a Horrible Place to Be

Current Mood:  Pissed

Apparently the majority prefer I keep my demons to myself.


Prefer that I feel as though I'm going insane alone.

People love to ask if you're ok.

Seldom, do they expect to hear that you're not.

It freaks them out when you're not.

Even if it's temporary.

It scares YOU?

And you think I'm not?

If I felt like a burgler was trying to break into my house you'd want to know.

But, it's different- when it feels like a demon is trying to enter my mind.

Even though I know it's not!

What's the point? What could you do to help you ask?

You could do the one thing I asked... Let me talk it through.

Guess that was too much.

I'll respect your wishes. I'll respect your insecurities.

I'll let you live your fantasy life.

And I'll continue to live in mine, and keep it to myself.

To those of you that that did listen, that did pray, that encouraged me, that KNOW the REAL me- thank you. YOU, and my faith in God have gotten me this far.
But, majority rules.



Originally written April 2, 2010 - and the reason you are now reading this HERE!

Two Faced

Current Mood: Rested

I've gotten some sleep. PTL!
The best way to describe how I feel is this:

I DO NOT FEEL DEPRESSED, I FEEL OBSESSED.

Though I am not myself right now, myself trusts God.

God will continue to protect me, even from myself.

This I know...
 
 
Originally written March 31, 2010

Eating Dead Bunnies

Current Mood:  Freaked out

I've never had a TACTILE dream before - one I could literally FEEL...

I craddled the baby bunny in the palms of my hands,

My left thumb was against the upper teeth,

My right thumb - the lower.

Pressing my two thumbs in opposite directions,

I could feel the sharp teeth penetrate my skin.

Why?



Originally written April 1, 2010 - wish it HAD been a joke!

The Dragon Slayer Defense ~ a plee of temporary insanity

Current Mood:  Fearful

Things could get a lot weird around here for awhile. The treatment I'm currently on for HCV has brought about a "person" inside of me that I'm not familiar with, nor do I like. She (RIBA) rears her ugly head when least expected and without warning. She leaves no one unaffected. Hopefully, her stay will be temporary. And when she does finally go, my family and friends will be able to forgive me - that is, if I don't kill her first...

I've spent about the last 10 hours crying- just because the medication makes me. I'm afraid to go to sleep because of the strange dreams I keep having. Why do I suddenly desire to eat dead bunnies? I'm halfway through treatment now- 3 more months to go. Can I survive it? I pray so...

Writing is the only therapy I can afford. I decided it would be more "sick" of me to continue to keep my thoughts to myself. So as morbid as my "sharing" is, it's the only way I have of releasing the demon inside me.

One thing that hasn't changed is- my love for God, my family and my friends. I'll be back soon...
 
 
 
Originally written:  March 31, 2010

Tears of Blood

Current Mood:  Disbelief

I  loved a man who devoured my soul.


I want to be strong, but I feel like a fool.

I feel so weak, and all I do is moan.

My thoughts jumbled…my words mumbled.

He’s taken my life, turned me into a drone.

He made promises he wouldn't keep.

So I stand on the hilltop wanting to leap.

My heart breaks and bleeds.

He wouldn't even try to fill my needs.

I'd given all I could and wished I could stop loving

This cruel cold man.

He took my soul and gave me nothing but pain.

Why did I stay when I had nothing to gain?

My eyes fill with tears, and I cry from inside.

My heart begins to bleed and I think it has died.

I want to run and hide where my eyes can’t see.

I don’t want myself to see this pathetic me.

But in hiding I’ll be alone with my hurt.

My heart is smashed, ground into the dirt.

I feel I'm dissolving, melting away.

My mind said to leave, my fear wanted to stay.

I’m weak and afraid and I want to retreat

How can a heart feel, when it cannot beat?
 
 
Originally written January 2009

Prayer #32

Current Mood:  Sad

Dear God,

There are times when loves' call seems entirely in vain; when all I can see around me is my failure.

I have not succeeded in the area of my hearts' desire.

I do not seem to have the magic ingredient that enables some people to move forward in ways I cannot.

What is wrong with me?

Am I without blessing?

Dear God, please help me.

Restore to me my faith in who I am.

Give me aid.

Give me faith.

I give myself to you.
Amen

Originally written December 2009

Going ...Home?

Current Mood: Crushed

When I hear someone say "welcome home" I think of the day I first laid my daughter in her crib. And above that crib, I had painted on the wall " I love you Tori." It wasn't easy to see. It was tucked in with all the flowers and teddy bears I has spent months handpainting. When she was old enough to understand I showed it to her and said "if ever you have a doubt its written here for you to see. " I put my daughter to bed in that very room for 7 years. It had always been just the two of us, but then I got married and we left that house, and the words on the wall.

"Welcome home" took on another meaning after a 3 month hospital stay for which I had been very sick. Tori was about 9 then, yelling it as she ran to meet me at the door. I remember her walking behind me, untangling my oxygen hose from everything it got caught on. It felt so good to be back in my own bed, with her hugged up next to me confessing her fears of losing me. I remember saying to her as I planted a kiss on her head, "I am here now and we are home together. " My husbands job then moved us 250 miles away, to Ardmore.

"Welcome Home" was written on the card the realtor had left on the kitchen counter. We had never lived in such a glamorous house before. It had 4 bedrooms, the coolest kitchen I had ever seen, an upstairs AND a downstairs, a hot tub in a huge backyard, and room to plant gardens I could be proud of. I was going to school and working nights then. When I got home at night my husband then left for his job. The conversations with my daughter then were "when will you be home?" It was a beautiful house we had- but no time for us to share it. It was a lovely house, but not a happy home.

"Welcome home" is what I said to Tori when we pulled up to our house in the hills. Here we were, just her and I again, she was then 12. But things were much different this time. To this day I refer to our house as a "shabby-shack." It has a metal roof that is full of leaks, more mice than I care to admit too, a toilet that won't flush, and until just recently no running water from the bathroom sink- just to name a few. I came here with nothing. Almost everything was bought from Salvation Army. But it didn't matter. It was my dream home. Way-out in the country with hardly a neighbor around. Tori flourished in her new small school. She's had horses, cows, pigs, goats, and chickens to raise. We became friends with no Internet or cable tv to distract us. We began sleeping in the same bed at times for warmth when we had no propane to heat the house, but now it's because we want to. We've lived in several houses but this was the only one that ever felt like our "home "

"Welcome home" is probably what my mother will say when we pull into the driveway of my childhood home. We have lots of wonderful memories in that house, but it is not our home. "Our home" has a kitchen full of recipes we have not yet tried. It has a pear tree that occassionally bares fruit for us to eat. It has a hammock where you can lay in the shade and be lazy. There is a storm cellar we've never had to use but makes us feel safe just knowing its there. But best of all there is a door. A door that keeps everything that is "us" behind it. It is proof that for the last 4 years I was able to provide for my daughter.

I am thankful we have a house to go to now in our desperate time of need, but my head will hang in shame as we leave. I no longer will have a key to a door that holds our dreams, and I wonder "where will my daughter remember as home?" So tonite as me and my 16 year old lay sleeping, and on my shoulder she rests her head, I will say "you... here with me, is my favorite place and where you will always have a home."

Tori you are the best part of who I am or what I will ever be. You are the first thought in everything I do, dream and hope for. All I have to give you in 4 days for your birthday is the promise of eternal love, and that someday I will again hold my head high for you. And make you as proud of me as I have always been of you. You will always be my baby girl. And you don't need a painting on a wall that says "I love you," just look into my eyes. It's there for all the world to see.

Originally written:  Monday, October 27, 2008

Where It All Began

Current Mood:  Hopeless

It's been a year gone by now, you'd think he would go away. But he still sneaks around my life, like a hunter stalking his prey.

There is always a little something, that he has left silently behind.

Something that the average person, would fail to see or find.

A shiny bullet droped by my door, when I no longer own a gun.

Handprints outside the window glass, now revealed by the shining sun.

I've tried every way and person I know, to help rid me of this man.

It seems he must do more harm to me, to give me the help that they can.

But the life I live without a dream, is becoming much harder to bare.

This man that plays these games with my life, is the man of my nightmare.

Originally written 5 years ago