Walk With Me

Current Mood:  Worried  

I don't always know how to tell you

and I'm not sure how to let you know,

when I'm worried or wondering

about wheather our relationship

is okay,

or wheather you're as

happy as you want to be.

I want you to know

that I don't always have things

figured out;

that I need your help

sometimes, and your

reassurance.

And sometimes - I need

just to have you hold me,

to let me know it's okay

and we'll make it together

through the hard times -

appreciating all the good times.

Hand in hand.

Love in love.

My Only Dream

Current Mood:  Angry

Should I choose a pattern in pink -

or blue.

Or play it safe -

and decorate in Winnie the Pooh.

I really think the walls -

would be cute with little bears.

Who am I talking to -

no one else cares.

Twenty-five weeks have gone by -

at least eleven more to go.

It seems so real now -

now that I'm starting to show.

It was then, that it began -

I began to have that pain.

Like before with my twins -

yes, just the same.

At the hospital I was asked -

who should they call?

Then my reality hit me -

and tears began to fall.

I lay there that night -

alone in that room.

And knew if you came now -

it would be way too soon.

My hands rubbed my belly -

in a circular motion.

And then there I felt -

a sort of bubbling sensation.

I smiled and then laughed -

and quickly looked around

But someone to tell -

not anyone could be found.

They let me go home then -

I had much I needed to do.

And from that point on -

all I thought about was you.

Bigger and bigger each day -

inside me you grew.

How I would handle this

God only knew.

New parents were invited -

on a hospital tour.

And I knew there'd be couples -

but I'd expected them fewer.

I stood alone in the line -

as they stood hand in hand.

The lonliness that was dwelling inside me -

became too much to withstand.

I ran from the room -

and down six flights of stairs.

And found myself in another -

with nothing but chairs.

There was no one there -

it was quiet and empty.

No one to hold me or help me -

only, just me.

Due in two months more-

all this time home on bed rest.

Not allowed to walk, to go outside -

to even the weather, to test.

Childbirth classes I'll take -

from watching a video.

Because my husband is gone -

so, even if I could go.

One month early -

I could hold off no more.

As I reached for the phone -

I then fell to the floor.

I screamed in fear and in pain -

again and again, the same.

But no matter the screams how loud -

still, no one came.

At the hospital, just twenty minutes later -

alive, I made it there.

No one to share my joy with -

no one to wipe my tears.

When you were finally placed in my arms -

I asked, isn't she pretty?

As I looked up and I saw -

there was no one to see.

I had no one to rub me -

to feel your kicks.

No one to hold my head -

when I felt sick.

No one to help me practice -

to push or to breathe

no one to trust or rely on -

or in me, to believe.

The most wonderful thing -

to ever happen to me.

And I had done it alone -

that just shouldn't be.

Every since I myself was small -

this was my only dream.

someone to share this with -

was expecting too much, it did seem.

It's not fair that I had to -

miss out on it all.

Was asking for this chance -

really a request too tall.

Not allowed to share -

this natural dream with someone.

Meant giving up my only dream -

again, having to sucumb.

Originally written on April 20, 1997

Current Mood:  Happy

Squeeze my hand,

hug me tight,

Reach out and touch me,

so I'll know it's alright.

Run your fingers,

through my hair.

Whisper softly,

that you care.

Keep that special smile,

just for me.

Say that here is,

where you want to be.

And in my heart,

I'll have a spot.

Especially for you,

because you're loved a lot.

Brownies at Midnight

Current Mood:  Bored

You've asked how I like living back at home;

I realized I never liked living on my own.

I thought I'd be sad,

But really I'm not.

Would you like another brownie?

I baked a lot.

One bonus that I find especially fine;

The mind thats gone crazy here,

isn't necessarily mine.

I can still read a good book until dawns early light.

or make popcorn at any old hour of the night.

This loss of independence,

has made me stronger!

Please, can't you stay,

just a little bit longer?

Tiny Fingers, Tiny Toes, Tiny Hand and Tiny Nose

Current Mood:   Nostalgic 

As you took your very first breathe of life those tiny fingers reached for the sky.

The first time the nurse gently handed you to me, you cried - and it was music to my ears.

At three in the morning you bawled to have me near, and I stomped madly to your door.

I saw your tiny mouth and tiny ears, and melted with love, and was mad no more.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I smiled from ear to ear as my pride showed - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of you grows and grows.

Your four wheel stroller went to three.

Your three wheel trike went to two.

Your tiny fingers still grew and grew.

And before I knew we were back to four, and you were driving a car.

I don't bend down to hug you now, those once tiny fingers are small no more.

I'm doing my best to teach you life, soon your bags will be packed and out the door.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I smile from ear to ear as my pride shows - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of you still grows and grows.

Those tiny fingers have been my delight.

And I've tried my best to show them wrong from right.

Now those tiny fingers are near full grown.

And someday you'll be having tiny fingers all your own.

Those tiny fingers, and tiny toes, that tiny hand and tiny nose.

I'll smile from ear to ear as my pride shows - and I'll be there, as each tiny part of them grows and grows.

Man Mold

Current Mood:  Loved

If I could take a handful of clay

 and make for myself the man of my dreams,

I'd work, mold and shape all day

 so not a thread could be found in the seams.

I would blow the essence of life

 into each breath-taking lung,

I'd give him the looks of a god

and he would outshine the rising sun.

He would have long and flowing hair

 that would glisten like a rainbow,

And everyone would have to stop and stare

amazed at the source of the glow.

I'd use diamonds for his eyes

that would sparkle only for me,

And you'd probably find it no surprise

he'd be quite the specimen to see.

His lips would be made of precious silk

that would be the best I could possibly find,

When I kised them they'd be soft and sweet

like honey-drenched marshmellows and chocolate combined.

I would make his skin so soft to touch

 and gentle as a warm nights breeze,

And when it came to his wants

 he'd not be difficult to please.

His heart would be made of solid gold

I could never use copper or brass,

And when he walked across the room

 It'd appear as if he was gliding on glass.

Even if I could mold this clay just right

and did the very best I could do,

I could work so hard day and night

and never make a man as perfect as you.

You could offer me pearls, silver, and priceless treasures

 and give me land from shore to shore,

But the riches in your eyes are without measure

I could live the rest of my days, never wanting more.

Roll the Stone Away

Current Mood:  Thankful

Can there be a greater love
Then the love our Father had

He died
For me, for us

I've been up all night again
Crying all night again

Trying to let go
Setting things free

The thoughts of bunnies are gone now
Now the bunnies make me laugh

Now, I've cried all night
Visualizing the real meaning of Easter

I am a sinner
And God has forgiven me

He is the only one
That knows the true extent of my sins

And I am forgiven
Again and again

I know that He suffered
For me

So that I would not have to
Suffer myself

Why then
Dear Lord

Can I not forgive
Myself

He did not die for me
To be sad

He did not die for me
To expect me to keep punishing myself

He has freed me
It's time I free myself



Originally written Easter Sunday 2010

I Wish to Live in You

Current Mood:  Burdend

Behold me, my beloved Jesus, weighed down under the burden of my trials and sufferings, I cast myself at Your feet, that You may renew my strength and my courage, while I rest here in Your presence.


Permit me to lay down my cross in Your Sacred Heart, for only Your infinite goodness can sustain me; only Your love can help me bear my cross; only Your powerful hand can lighten its weight.

O Divine King, Jesus, whose heart is so compassionate to the afflicted, I wish to live in You; suffer and die in You.

During my life, be to me my mode,l and my support; at the hour of my death, be my hope and my refuge.

My Head is Currently a Horrible Place to Be

Current Mood:  Pissed

Apparently the majority prefer I keep my demons to myself.


Prefer that I feel as though I'm going insane alone.

People love to ask if you're ok.

Seldom, do they expect to hear that you're not.

It freaks them out when you're not.

Even if it's temporary.

It scares YOU?

And you think I'm not?

If I felt like a burgler was trying to break into my house you'd want to know.

But, it's different- when it feels like a demon is trying to enter my mind.

Even though I know it's not!

What's the point? What could you do to help you ask?

You could do the one thing I asked... Let me talk it through.

Guess that was too much.

I'll respect your wishes. I'll respect your insecurities.

I'll let you live your fantasy life.

And I'll continue to live in mine, and keep it to myself.

To those of you that that did listen, that did pray, that encouraged me, that KNOW the REAL me- thank you. YOU, and my faith in God have gotten me this far.
But, majority rules.



Originally written April 2, 2010 - and the reason you are now reading this HERE!

Two Faced

Current Mood: Rested

I've gotten some sleep. PTL!
The best way to describe how I feel is this:

I DO NOT FEEL DEPRESSED, I FEEL OBSESSED.

Though I am not myself right now, myself trusts God.

God will continue to protect me, even from myself.

This I know...
 
 
Originally written March 31, 2010