My Head is Currently a Horrible Place to Be

Current Mood:  Pissed

Apparently the majority prefer I keep my demons to myself.


Prefer that I feel as though I'm going insane alone.

People love to ask if you're ok.

Seldom, do they expect to hear that you're not.

It freaks them out when you're not.

Even if it's temporary.

It scares YOU?

And you think I'm not?

If I felt like a burgler was trying to break into my house you'd want to know.

But, it's different- when it feels like a demon is trying to enter my mind.

Even though I know it's not!

What's the point? What could you do to help you ask?

You could do the one thing I asked... Let me talk it through.

Guess that was too much.

I'll respect your wishes. I'll respect your insecurities.

I'll let you live your fantasy life.

And I'll continue to live in mine, and keep it to myself.

To those of you that that did listen, that did pray, that encouraged me, that KNOW the REAL me- thank you. YOU, and my faith in God have gotten me this far.
But, majority rules.



Originally written April 2, 2010 - and the reason you are now reading this HERE!

Two Faced

Current Mood: Rested

I've gotten some sleep. PTL!
The best way to describe how I feel is this:

I DO NOT FEEL DEPRESSED, I FEEL OBSESSED.

Though I am not myself right now, myself trusts God.

God will continue to protect me, even from myself.

This I know...
 
 
Originally written March 31, 2010

Eating Dead Bunnies

Current Mood:  Freaked out

I've never had a TACTILE dream before - one I could literally FEEL...

I craddled the baby bunny in the palms of my hands,

My left thumb was against the upper teeth,

My right thumb - the lower.

Pressing my two thumbs in opposite directions,

I could feel the sharp teeth penetrate my skin.

Why?



Originally written April 1, 2010 - wish it HAD been a joke!

The Dragon Slayer Defense ~ a plee of temporary insanity

Current Mood:  Fearful

Things could get a lot weird around here for awhile. The treatment I'm currently on for HCV has brought about a "person" inside of me that I'm not familiar with, nor do I like. She (RIBA) rears her ugly head when least expected and without warning. She leaves no one unaffected. Hopefully, her stay will be temporary. And when she does finally go, my family and friends will be able to forgive me - that is, if I don't kill her first...

I've spent about the last 10 hours crying- just because the medication makes me. I'm afraid to go to sleep because of the strange dreams I keep having. Why do I suddenly desire to eat dead bunnies? I'm halfway through treatment now- 3 more months to go. Can I survive it? I pray so...

Writing is the only therapy I can afford. I decided it would be more "sick" of me to continue to keep my thoughts to myself. So as morbid as my "sharing" is, it's the only way I have of releasing the demon inside me.

One thing that hasn't changed is- my love for God, my family and my friends. I'll be back soon...
 
 
 
Originally written:  March 31, 2010